A Very Bad Weekend

So this weekend did not go well. I think I was really upset by what was said in group. I never have seen myself that way. All at once I felt really ugly and scared like, I have never missed a period, I at least had that to prove that I was doing okay and then I find out it's prob all a joke. I don't think the fact that my boyfriend was anxious all weekemd helped at all either. He's pretty sick of hearing me talk about this stuff because it makes him sad but besides that he was doubting us all weekend. Well what happened was I binged, I binged alot from Thursday on. I felt terrible but I kept eating. However, I didn't purge even though the thought crossed my mind, so I'm at least proud of that. It's monday morning and by now I feel pretty beat down. I was worried about telling you all about my binge because I felt so ashamed but then I realized I should feel just as ashmaed about restricting, so I decided to go for it (I'm proud of this too). Anyway I hope everyone in doing well and handling stress better than I have been...

(no subject)

The way you post to this page is to go to the normal update journal page from your account, and next to the "post to:" option there should be a pull down menu with various friends pages and whatnot.  Select this name and your post will show up here so we can all access it easily.  I only offer a short explanation because I actually had no idea how to post to pages other than my personal journal, so....just in case anyone else didn't know..... ;)  I think it'd be a good idea to write often also.  Maybe it's just that recovery and group has made me hyper aware, but so many things always strike me during the day as interesting (in good ways and bad).

Like today:  My boyfriend works at the Health Center as a Spanish translator and today they had a clinic set up to check workers' blood pressure, health stats, etc...   He had the job of checking height and weight, and calculating the BMI for each person.  Thus it was his unpleasant job to then explain to people that they were "overweight" if that was the case.  Honestly I was tense from the word "BMI"...  This index has never really seemed spot-on to me.  When I was at my lowest weight and my sister was telling me she was worried because my bones were showing through my back, I was well within my "healthy" weight range according to the BMI.  And now that I've gained my weight back I am almost in the obese category.  I know I'm curvy but I wouldn't call myself obese!  My boyfriend continues talking and says yeah, it was really awkard, etc..., I weighed myself out of curiosity and I was a 22 BMI, etc..., so how much do you weigh?

my world stops momentarily.

He asks it in complete innocence.  He doesn't even think about it.  He's just telling me about his day and has just talked about his weight and his BMI and was curious about mine.  But for me it's a moment between a rock and a hard place.  I tell him a weight less than I know I weigh.  I hate that I felt I needed to lie.  And the kicker is that I had a physical just about a week ago and felt really ok with the weight I saw.  I felt good that I hadn't weighed myself or really felt the need to on my own, and though the number wasn't really a surprise, I felt fine with it when the doctor weighed me.  But suddenly it's not a doctor who only cares about my health; it's someone I want to think well of me...and for some reason I don't want to risk the possibility of him being surprised by the number. 

I am trying to remember that there are set-backs and difficult situations that will still bring out the shame and negative self-talk.  I'm telling myself that I was put on the spot, and my reaction doesn't mean I'm not making good progress.  But I still wish it hadn't happened. 


I am guessing from usernames and what I saw on the profiles that so far it's me, Candace (is it a C or a K?) and Sarah that have joined.  Hopefully Nadia and Shannon will be coming soon.  What do you guys think of "california poppy"?  ;)  it's the name of the color scheme.  I really am excited about this.  It gives us all a chance to keep in touch more.